Jubilation rampant as first all-Erden baby birthed on "da Urth"
Sebastian Lloyd AKA Spinnaker Hiawathaheck (his true Erden name) enjoys a quick nap before his debriefingErden cloaked agents-on-da Urth, "Ted" (played by Sebastian T. Consindine) and his "wife" "Sarah" (Agent 009), have successfully completed an experiment to create a genetically pure Erden in a totally downright hostile non-Erden environment. No trickery (that we are aware of) was used in this micro-miracle; the tiny-one is "all natural" and made wholly of vegan-approved healthful ingredients. Soy-baby "Sebastian"--his "Urth" code-name--is getting about splendidly and has already completed reading his first book, or shall we say books--all five volumes of Macaulay's A Treatise on Particulars of Pat the Bunny. (On Erde, copies of this classic are generally presented to the "newbie" upon egress, as a prize and incentive of sorts; it also gives the infant something to do while the parents, and especially the mother, are recuperating).
The traditional runes were cast for the event and the presiding Tunarian Mathenatrix, Frau Zonderhalle Quimby arrived at this lifeline for the adorable Sebastian Lloyd:
- 2006-Born to run
- 2012-Graduates cum laude from the Miss Becky Barker Monkeyshine Toddlarium of Fishwick Falls, Winnebago National District
- 2017-Invents non-leaking zero gravity sno-cone for new NASA kiddie shuttle
- 2021-Enters graduate school in Beijing
- 2021-Receives Doctorate in Advanced Post-Euclidean Non-Ventilating Topological Socio-Nanotechnology and immediately becomes world's foremost expert in this highly specialized field
- 2026-Invents Flerglogizmocular Spinfatratmorilator and ushers in new Golden Age for man (and woman) kind
- 2030-Sales of the Flerglogizmocular Spinfatratmorilator (or FS as it's know to the public) make Sebastian Lloyd at age of 24 second richest man in solar system after Bill Gates's Virtual Cosmic Consciousness (AKA Star Gates)
- 2032-Sebastian Lloyd petulantly announces plans for "Urth Too," a near exact copy of "da Urth" so that everyone can "get it right this time"
- 2040-"Urth Too" goes all haywire and plunges into sun taking entire weekend maintenance crew (all illegal aliens) with it--called greatest natural catastrophe to not happen on "da Urth." However, event triggers massive solar flares that interact with "da Urth's" atmosphere and stabilize global environment but also melt the Moon into a disturbingly odd and complex shape resembling Ernest Borgnine in profile, mouth wide open... eating a pie--which we have to kind of live with forever
- 2040-Sebastian Lloyd (to be referred to as SL from here on in), in a justifiably confused moment, buys Tibet and builds an 8000 acre ranch there. He breeds Tibetan Llamas, builds a museum for his collection of Salvador Dali paintings, and generally meditates on the surreal weirdness of it all for a while
(stay tuned for Part II of The Runes of Sebastian Lloyd)
posted by Prof. Antonio Pille | 6:48 PM
1 Comments:
My good sir, how dare you unmask the visages so necessary to our discrete intelligence collection within the Urth "culture" (if it must be called that, and I punish the word with quotation marks to denote my wrath at the word's faithlessness that it could be applied to such backwoods bumblers even in jest).
Your posting, however honorific (and welcomed) for our son, is a grave slap in the face to all those who toil in the name of our most secret, subtle, and unremarked of agencies (I shall not even confirm it by its initials; if, dear reader you think you know of which agency I speak, rest assured we know of your state of apprisal and you are likely already being "handled").
I demand to know who put you up to this reportage: was such a revelation done to discredit my wife's disputed findings of Urth natives' striking similarities to the High Potentate's own genetic line? It is a hard capsule to ingurgitate, but truth, like governance, is unrelenting!
I promise you this, sir: such underhanded polital maneuvering will not go unpunished!
Most respectfully and with all due sincerity,
Sebastian T. Consindine, Esq.
Post a Comment
<< Home