Equal Time for Kultur Abuse from Director Zliplitt

No Limit and It's Always Open Season!

I am reluctantly urged to action, as my office has received a smattering of verbal complaints, telegrams, and electronical mailings from "Urthers" to the effect that we have been trouncing unfairly on the wide ranging of nincompoops afflicting both our fair Erde (minimally--nuisance value only) and, to a stunning degree, that absurd mirror-world place known as "Da Urth." To atone for our gross insensitivities, I, Anatole Zliplitt, Mt. Palomine Institute of Mysteries Director of Public Assuagement, have issued orders to the effect that Institute employees should at all times show thunderous respect and admiration for the silly superstitions and laughable hypocrisies of all the "da Urth's" and Erde's fools, buffoons and microcephaloids. We shall instead focus our spleen (an internally painful task!) on the one group of individuals strangely left unshielded by "Da Urth's" spell-checkers, namely: hick, hillbilly, red state, redneck, religious kooks. We find this asymmetric state of affairs somewhat amusing, as the "protectionists" are generally prepared to "go to bat" for nearly any other group of dipsy-doodles, many of whom would flay and salt these self-same respecters at the drop of a zany configuration of felt that might be a hat. However, we shall accept our openings as they materialize. The "Urthly" intelligentsia uniformly fail to coddle this sad-sack "culture," and actually encourage and engage in widespread abuse of it, often depicting the transparently faux ignorant, redneck, hick, religious, leader, for example, as a chimp--something they would be loathe to do to any other world leader aside from the Chimp King, and (in a well-distributed parody cartograph) dubbing the red states--squalor-receptacles of the redneck religious kooks--as Jezzisland, an equivalency of insult that would never be applied elsewhere to territory of any other kooky kult. We now feel thoroughly unbridled, at least within this tightly circumscribed realm, to a degree we would not have previously offered to ourselves--much like a glutton permitted not only to loosen belt, but remove pants entirely at the dinner table! Judging from samples dating back decades, nay, even to an ancient Civil Disturbance, no offense is disallowed in critiques of this so-called bumpkin culture! Astonishingly, precedent may be found for this exception-in-Universal-Axiom if one delves back years into the dismal historical record of "Da Urth" and to the scribings of the briefly popular A. Heetiler (No passion-object of blue-staters!), who, in his best-seller, Mein Kampf mit mein Hosen (My Struggle with My Pants), neatly rectified a similar inconsistency by redefining his perceived enemies as not being human at all. The common depiction of the faux redneck leader as an ape (gracing the cover of one periodical mere moments after his ascendancy!), and the reams of sanctioned vilification and slander directed at the hick, red state, redneck, religious, kooks (oddly, much supplied by a popular faux egalitarian worker-slob) would confirm this suspicion that the "protectionists" have dubbed the "Urther" hayseeds sub-human and therefore not worthy of the respect they'd accord a Spotted Owl (a delicacy among Native-Americans!) or Eskimo (also good eats!). Regardless, the Institute, prescient as ever, ambled mirthfully into this eventuality and we find that our oft-misperceived satire actually amplifies in righteousness and rectitude by adhering to our newly developed ruling, being: Hands off the multiplicity of Kulturen of "Da Urth," but red-staters are Fair Game. As a result, we expect this site will become favored among the hip and sophisticated of their benighted coastal realms, criticism of our cause will plummet to zilch, praise will issue forth as from a cornucopia of knee-jerk concurrence, and the subhuman denizens of Jezzisland will mutely accept us as yet another tritely abusive organ of the sensitive and caring "Urther" blue-staters. Here, however, on munificent Erde, we have been chided by the Citizen-Monkeys under the protection of The Empress for unfairness of a different sort entirely: we previously alluded to a discredited theory of one C. Darwin of Albion that intimates there may be linkages between Citizen-Monkeys and human-kind, a theory so outrageous to all self-respecting Citizen-Monkeys that they have petitioned for severe laws to prevent dispersion of the "blasphemy." Also noted was an angry letter from a schismatic Bykist (a break-off Baalist sect) asserting that, in fact, the chicken came before the egg, as Baal willed it at his Ascension to the Seat of the Chopper. Nations have been toppled, cities reduced to rubble, nautical abysses drained and lined with tin foil, over this irresolvable Gordian-Knot-like poultresquery. Such is controversy on Erde!