New Feature: Our One-Eyed, Uninformed, Purple-Prose, People Peeper on the Echo-World Tarmac with Paranoid Reports from "da Urth"

Gadzooks! A Roadmap of the "Secret Government"

Institute journalist-spy (to be known as Agent Pi) embedded on (or hopefully in) "da Urth" to send back reports on the news that lies behind the lies that are in the news (a man, a plan, a canal, Panama!). Coming soon:

• Proof positives that there was a conspiratorial plot (of land) behind the Bumpkinville 7-eleven attack involving gas station magnates, the Bumpkinville FD, and high level figures on the mysterious Zoning Board; security cameras show the entranceway collapsing (or perhaps it was just a customer opening the door) before being struck by the runaway AMC Matador, plus there are seven letters in Matador and eleven in AMC Matador if you count the space.
• How "da Urth" is controlled by the McMasons and the Illumi-naughty (with the Munchkinlodgers and New World Odorists acting as intermediaries) and the precise location of the super-secret polar "gas pedal" and "steering wheel"
• Cy "Pops" Ops--seemingly confused drive-by theater "black" project-ionist, mis-directionist, and pops "corn" server who speaks in riddles and somehow always forgets to give you your change, your butter, or the right directions home
• The story behind the assassination of Kay F. Jay, a dark day in the Texican bowling town of Dulles--all evidence points to complicity of Vice-President Jackie O'Ruby as 365 bored and lonely gunmen loaded with shots of tequila and blank looks jostled for positions between the Gassy Gnome (a diner), the Under-past, and the Dulles Bookworm Suppository in a scene that looked like the Rebel line at Gettysburg--hometown of a very complex military anti-industrialist; the limousine suddenly lurched forward but the seasick President's lunch blows backwards (limo forward, lunch backward--again, limo forward, lunch backward); and the big clue everyone missed?--how hired-gun filmmaker Cecil B. Dapruder took the fatal shot seen 'round "da Urth." It's a riddle, wrapped in caramel, dipped in Pennsylvania Dutch chocolate, and sprinkled with lots and lots of nuts.
• The truth about Femtrails, the New World Odorists, and the use of pheromones and ozone-depleting feminine hygiene sprays to manipulate "da Urth's" population
• At last, the story of the lost world of Flatlantis, a sandy, geographically featureless island-nation that averaged only two-inches above sea level and disappeared forever when an overenthusiastic Flatlantian passed wind. [EDITOR: There was no way we were stooping to Flatulantis]
• Much much much much more