Our favorite MySpace-cadetery bulletineers!

The coveted generic catalogue award or Prix de Punch & Judy

Since heaving ourselves up upon that chunk of floating cultural wreckage, that raft of the Frigate Medusa that is broadly known throughout the uncivilized "da Urth" as the MySpacery, we have--from the get go--been inundated (and swamped even) by hourly avalanches of bulletins cascading in from the four corners (and they are corners) of your somewhat plush, mirrored and parti-coloured "globe."

During coffee and strudel break this morning the staff voted on their favorite "Top Five" MySpace-cadetery bulletin generators.

Here they be:

1) Lord Blowfax

Bulletins about conspiracies... and not just conspiracies but conspiracies about conspiracies about even more conspiracies--enigmas wrapped in riddles entombed in puzzlements and surrounded by marzipan! Our Institute analysts have striven to unravel them all and assemble some core ultima-mega-grando-conspiracy from all the conspiracy postings Lord Blowfax ships us (in 40 foot containers) daily (200 within 24 hours when he is at his Solar Maximum) but the Model of the Universe they have stitched together from the "information" deluge involves some vague and unimaginable (and unlikely) linkages between Wal-Mart, the Federal Reserve, Lee Harvey Oswald, and a titanic hyper-intelligent demon-squid that lives in center of your planet.

2) Pixie Creamyjeans

Pixie Creamyjeans' bulletins alternate between compilations of every cute animal viddy-oh that appears on YooToob and disturbingly intimate alerts and alarums that really should be restricted in their distribution to individuals Pixie Creamyjeans actually knows--as in in person. The recent-most that was not twenty minutes of ferrets and tumbling kittens was a "heads up" to friends she had partied with the previous evening about a missing pair of panties. Her "pubic lice" dispatches of several months back read like Henry Miller and one was even somewhat oddly and unthinkingly accompanied by a viddy-oh of a baby panda regurgitating.

3) Gay Republican Atheists against Flying Saucers

We genuinely enjoy our Skeptic friends (as much as we salute our beloved and contrarian Truth-Seekers) but this bunch has us (US!) spinning counter-clockwise and reeling backwards while rolling heels over head in a terrific tailspin. They not only debunk, they flat out and tersely (and rudely) deny. The Kennedy assassination did not only not happen the way some "paranoid kooks" have suggested, it just flat out never happened in the first place. They credit public hysteria and mis-read headlines ("President Shot" was colloquial for the Kennedy presidency has lost its momentum etc.). 9-11 is a complete non-starter for them too and they are offering a $1000 purse to whomever can prove that the World Trade Towers even existed in the first instance. It was all CGI fabricated by compulsive weirdos, they insist. They even deny the existence of Creationists and holocaust deniers. As a side note we are not sure if the "Gay" in their profile name indicates they are homosexuals or merely deliriously happy.

4) Bushhater

An aged, drug-addled, and eternally embarrassing hippie-thang from the "Denver area" who still believes George I occupies the throne. She regularly posts satirical cartoons about Dan Quayle and wants your troops out of Panama post haste! Thrusting Clinton: The Sequel into the White Mansion will only add to her befuddlement; it will be, as the sage once retorted, "Deja vu all over again." Some troublemaker here at the Institute suggested we lure her into the distant political past, say to the Adams family (of John, J.Q., and even for fun, Henry, fame), but we know this would only result in indignation-filled bulletins about Morticia, Pugsley, and Wednesday. The narcissistic hippie historical memory seldom reaches beyond their date of birth, short-sheeting the myopic Creationist Year-Zero by near 5940 years (yet still bettering modern yoots whose memories drop off the Flat Urth at the three month distance).

5) Special MySpace Bulletin Lifetime Achievement Award--William Shatner

Please do not misinterpret this--we here at the Institute, to a woman and man and monkey--most sincerely adore William Shatner. His postings are a lovable blend of sales (New Klingon action figure for sale at his eShoppe!) and self-promotion, but he is not some garden variety iMerikan© shlepster broadcasting his musings, it is William Shatner, the gentleman who can make optical wireless addmoretisments for hotel bookings into greatest fun. We are surprised you have not anointed him National Treasure Numero Uno.