Smaller than True Sized, yet more Finely Detailed Changes afflict both our minds and perhaps our utterances with this ice-glazed rolling over of the Neue Jahre. Despite admonishments from the staff to "lay lowly" and "accept matters without struggle," your most honored savant may alternately contribute ever more prodigiously in this newly minted year and to the summit of offering the irreplacable employees of the Mt. Palomine a lengthy and needed resuscitation elsewhere--far removed from my sensitive auricular appurtenances and out-of-hurling-range of my treasured collection of Alpine paperweights. Troubled I have been--if I may invertedly express myself Yoda-like--by reports emanating from the sphincterish assembly of knobs and gears that enables our scientifical types to glom upon the Echo World known as "Da Urth." So vexing is the hourly reportage of a rumble-tumble of sprawling idiocy and self-abuse from this parallel dimension, I am tempted to lay my critical paws fully upon the host of disgruntling issues that wail at ourselves banshee-like from the tin horn of the low-budget observation device known to us as "Der Peeper." I have not yet arrived upon a final proclamation on this matter--whether to devote arduous labor to these issues--as a part of my innermost soul believes, through instinct largely, the situation on "Da Urth" to be seamlessly unrecoverable whilst that once-august body of citizens, familiar to us now as "Ripple-plikans," maintains puzzling allegiance to the sorriest herd of hapless sadsacks in all the known Universes: that cluster of schemers, nincompoops, and charlatans currently occupying the "cat-bird seats" so-to-say, in their capital of "Laundry-town." Politics and its myriad theorems and philosophies is not the concern here one whit; it is the overwhelming absence of mature intelligence and strong ethics, coupled with the street-walkerish wooing and ensnaring of lowly masses historically and genetically unsympathetic to Federalist rapscallions and "Big Business" lootings that baffles, in the utmost, this agog surveyor. Scarcely a significant and truly important item of concern to any responsible personage of any political-philosophical inclination is being addressed (endless trivial shrunken skulls and hexes are being bandied about to frighten and confuse; the administration delights in smoke and mirrors--perhaps its only genuine talent!) and the only beneficiaries of the Das Neue Regime that this reporter has eyeballed have been, to number: 1) the deliriously greedy, 2) various faux patriots, religicos, and opportunists of the snakiest sort, and 3) endlessly increasing hordes of external enemies. At the current rate of "advancement," by the next inaugural, if any even care about such things at that future point, the current potentate and his cronies (perplexingly assisted by the opposing Leftish Luddites, levellers, rationalizers, barbarian-promoters, and culture wreckers) will have undone totally all civilized advancements--social, civil, moral, ethical, military--made since Roosevelt II warmed the wheeled throne, and some even since their allegedly adored savior died on a crucifix, and further a few more mustered directly after the first footed fishes lumbered from the ooze. My own immediate overall impression is of a dominantly cluck-headed society half-mesmerized by far too-comfortable and cock-sure dimwits--themselves intellectually overrun by a confusion of religious free-will and apish selfishness (combined with a cynical delusion--growingly shared by the sheep-they-lead--that achievements are measured best by shimmering surface appearance and accomplished solely by being a well-connected insider). This "leadership" are so vigorously detached from the daily goings-on of the average Joe or Josephine that their seat of government may as well be located on the obverse side of the Moon, in the deepest ocean trench, or in Candy-land. One wonders if they maintain even the basest cognizance of the ideals that originally stimulated the fluorescing of their land--all being of "power and greed" derived backgrounds wholly unsympathetic to the concerns of the Common Weal. Ironically, these cheerleaders for survival-of-fittest social-politics, these boosters of soulless corporations, claim to embrace a superstition that stoutly denies the veracity of the scientific theory that generated the very concept and its allied expression!!! Because of this (and many other zip-locked bags of evidence), many here on clear-headed Erde speculate as to the sincerity of their beliefs and ponder if these political troglodytes are--knowingly or not--adherents of the teachings of some other mystic being: perhaps He with the horns and goat legs who also specializes in trickery, illusion, and self-service? Vampires even? (I jest not!) Certainly not any martyred messenger of a benevolent and forgiving vapour! Whenever I head-achingly ponder this historically singular Executive Branch that hangs insensately--amateurishly Frankenstein-like even--stapled, sloppily glued, cheaply pop-riveted, and retardedly duct-taped to the Tree of Liberty, the terms ransack and sinkhole come instantly to mind, as nearly everything fingered by the cocky ass-reversed Midas, this drawling faked commoner that is the current Imperator Rex, and also his allied, snide, leering, host of equally over-confident minions, seems to become instantly depleted and made barren, including, especially, the spirit and energy of a once-great and vibrant nation!
This particular head of a fabled otherworldly think-tank is hardly kept awake sweating and tossing for your once-promising Republic because of apoplectic allegations of a stolen election--elections are swiped often and by candidates of rare ability and achievement, like your sainted Kennedy and his "Robin," LBJ. It's hardly a damnable demerit lest you Blue-staters risk hypocrisy; further, it shows daring and initiative. Nor is this gentle savant unhinged by a foreign war engaged dubiously--any conflict of arms not precipitated by direct violence on the homeland and initiated by a territorially limited villain (and even then some) is by nature utterly doubtful, if not fantastical. Most international skirmishes fall into this category. Corruption too is a commendable given and commonplace, and so also entertaining buffoonery. Scarcely any nation eludes these things, and one of your newest practitioners of the art of being a public ass--a slap-happy equatorial leader of daily-increasing silliness--is currently a darling of those opposed to and aggrieved by the nest of Bozos situated on home turf. Again, hypocrisy, as always with Left-leaners, rises above the horizon line. Even the Keystone Cop-like bumblings and excuses of the Lady Katrina scandal--on all parts and with all parties, no criminals ignored--left me unmoved. Wisdom dictates that an efficient and well-organized Federal government is a grandly dangerous tigress indeed, capable equally of swiftly rounding up and devouring its citizens as providing them with purring balm and fluffy succor. No, none of the chattered-about and distracting-to-children commonplaces troubles my rest. What keeps this Professor too-alert and caffeinated are the truisms that: 1) If choppy seas of any sort lay before your nation (and they do, read only reports of weather), those today at the wheel of the tugboat of state may see the coming turbulences as unstoppable manifestations of apocalyptic predictions contained within their Most Holy Books of Mumbo Jumbo--they may then not act like level and responsible elders dealing with the possibility of global mayhem, seeking solutions and comforts for the masses. Instead they may do little of any good but pray, or, horror utmost, these zealots may aid and abet Armaggedon as self-appointed helpmates in "Jehovah's" homicidal labors. 2) In troubled and shifting times, vision, maturity, and guidance are required and no one umbilicaled to the nose-picking schoolboy in the White Mansion has shown such rare skills, in fact many of his employees curiously glory in their absence, as if being an insensitive jerk, no gentleman, or a vicious viper is a fine thing indeed (a problem shared with business and gang leadership and further sign of social deterioration!). Boy Caesar himself, largely harmless, offers nothing noble or wondrous in his autobiographic ledger-of-facts and often gaily brags about his diminutive character; he should seek counsel from certain Leftish University Oracles who specialize in uplifting historical fabrications! 4) This top puppydog is a subtle-yet-pervasive downer, possibly due to the always-noisome jumblings of religious hyperventilation and recovered status from former addictions. He has all the lighthearted cheer and fellow-well-met attributes of a Grand Inquisitor ex-smoker or AA booster, and carries within him and pushes outward upon all things and to all corners of your "Urth," the false-positive yet 'neath it all moldy damp-cloth aroma of a smiling and nervous gent recently returned to the streets after incarceration for involuntary manslaughter (a crime, oddly, his wife has history of!) or possession of illicit indecent pictures or drugs. Weekly he acts as if his Ultimately Screwing Up Fabulously, his soon-to-be-opened National Exhibitionism of Fatal Flaws and Inadequacies, will be as inevitable as the next morning's ascent of the sun. Possibly (yet unlikely) good intentions, rigorous prosecution of political and moral ideals (unlikely again) , mis-timed jokes and puns all considered ("merits" his followers cling to), this curiously toddlerish figure-head who sits in the national high-chair, petulantly slapping at too many essential knobs and controls with the ever present assistance of appointed or unelected Dark Elders, is, as your Neolithic Hippoids grunt, a "bad-vibe downer" of galactic breadth, a mountainous lead sinker of an near-man strapped electorally to a fragile continent and fully weighted to haul its total landmass, its millions of dithering inhabitants, and its complete histories to the compacted yet blazing mid-point of your "Urth" and oblivion. His negative-ablity to inspire and provide vision and direction to a nation at precisely the moment when all may be unraveling so rapidly that whiplash is threatened is my Main Issue here in this diatribe.
Herr Doktor Anatole Zliplitt, Mt Palomine Institute of Mysteries Director of Public Assuagement
